I had three jobs. Milking goats and making cheese were two of the tasks assigned to me, but they were trumped by my temporary and the most important job. I was to spread the love of a visiting billy goat to the nanny goats on the farm, but by all means necessary, I had to keep that goat from getting into the paddock of the young nanny, Houdina. I was WWOOFing in New Zealand on an intentional community/farm, and very inexperienced when it came to the sexual desires of goats in heat with a billy in the vicinity.
After his ‘rounds’, the billy and I began walking back to his paddock when he started sniffing the air and looking around. Then the pulling began. And more sniffing and more pulling and sniffing and pulling. My heart started racing. He was pulling towards Houdina’s paddock. Before I even knew what was happening, I was being dragged by a large billy goat down a gravel laneway straight for Houdina’s paddock. My strength to stop him was nothing compared to a billy goat on a mission.
As he got closer and closer to the paddock, I felt immense relief when I realized that everything would be fine because the gate was closed. There was no way he could get in. That was until he jumped clear over the gate. I somehow managed to clamour over, run ahead of him and put myself between the billy and Houdina. I felt like I was the mother of a teenage child. Houdina was not helping the cause as she instantly turned her buttock towards the billy and flicked her tail back and forth, in what I assumed was an attempt to spread her hormonal desires into the air.
The sight of a billy goat conducting his ‘mating dance’ is one of the most fascinating and stomach-turning sights I’ve experienced. It’s too pornographic to describe. As his ‘dance’ progressed and her tail twitching increased, it became clear I was going to lose this battle. As he moved in for his final act, I found myself lying in the dirt, futilely trying to stop a billy with one worldly task.
By the end of the ordeal, I was left sweaty, panting but unscathed except for the fact that I was covered from head to toe in goat semen. I found out five months later that the billy was successful in his life’s mission when two baby goats arrived to the newest Momma goat on the farm.
To this day, even the scent of goat cheese makes my stomach churn.
Ami Dehne
EFAO Staff Member
Farmers Write is an opportunity for EFAO members and friends to share real-life short stories on topics inspired by life as a farmer.
The topics are intentionally broad – please feel free to express in a way that makes sense for you and your story. We aren’t as concerned about style and perfect writing, as we are about great stories that others might find truth in as well. We suggest a word limit of 250 to 350 words but are happy to help edit a story. We are able to publish stories anonymously if that allows you to be freer in your writing.
To submit your story, please visit efao.ca/farmers-write or send your typed, double-spaced submission to EFAO 5420 Hwy 6 North Guelph, Ontario N1H 6J2. Please include your email address and phone number. If you cannot type, please print clearly.